Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
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Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.