Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
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Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?