I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
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That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all