9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
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I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*