[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
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60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
All. The. Damn. Time.
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.