Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
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I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
dads on road-trips be like
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
no refunds
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.