[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
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It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary