I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
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The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.