I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
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I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.