One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
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Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
If you are reading this then you are reading this
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.