HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
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Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
12. I think about this all the damn time
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
Kidney stones? Hard pass
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.