I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
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Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.