George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
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If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.