Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
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Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”