me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
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[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.