What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
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had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
*limbos away from your hug*
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.