Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
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4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.