Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
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“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
I was just discussing this with my cat
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.