If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
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This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
The first matador
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote