Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
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[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh