me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
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“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
Sunday
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.