There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
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Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
Not today. 😅
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.