No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
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Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.