It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
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Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence