My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
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NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.