A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
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Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
If you’re testing me, we failed.
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
Mornin
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me