DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
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[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!