Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
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*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
he was correct
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!