DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
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Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
Ken is short for chicken
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
*performs CPR on the turkey*
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
everyone has that one prude friend
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
Heroic Misunderstanding
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
sleeping beauty
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
A roof is a house hat.
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”