Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
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You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..