Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
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For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.