[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
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My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
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