If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
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Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
thank god
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.