[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
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He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
My Sentiments Exactly
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
A ghost story
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
Found something new to say when I leave a room.