[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
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I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
Pass gas, not judgment.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
put ‘er there pardner!
The internet is full of many things
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.