“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
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“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
How do you like your Corgi?
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.