For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
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Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.