this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
You Might Also Like
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.