It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
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Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
Oh boy, $150,000!
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.