“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
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Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
Sometimes? I’m slipping
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
(by @ZachWeiner )
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.