I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
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My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand