Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
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I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election