An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
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met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.