Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
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Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.