True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
You Might Also Like
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
Warm pools make me nervous.
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.