Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
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*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
When libraries troll their patrons.
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*