I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
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A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.