Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
You Might Also Like
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life