I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
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My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
when someone compliments me
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
fly smarter, not harder
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.