If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
You Might Also Like
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
My birthstone is a marshmallow
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up